So, I just heard about this new absolutely ridiculous class action lawsuit: Gemelas v. Dannon. This is my take on the whole thing:

History of this case:

“Oh no, I can’t poop!!! I saw a commercial that said Activia Yogurt and DanActive Yogurt will make me poop like a normal person. Jamie Lee Curtis endorses it, and she seems like she poops. But wait, I’m broke, I guess I’ll spend my last $3 on some yogurt. I’ll be poor, but at least I’ll be able to poop.”

“Hey wait, I ate a cup of yogurt and I still didn’t poop right. I think I’ll sue ‘em to make back my $3 and help some lawyers get $10,000,000 plus expenses.”

So then, some class action lawyers took on the case and found out that other people used a lack of common sense and bought the yogurt to make them poop. Since they ate cheeseburgers, mac and cheese, pizza and pounds of meat, their poop still didn’t come out right. Alas, it was not magical miracle yogurt. It was just yogurt with natural cultures and probiotics that can help to support a healthy digestive tract.

Well, Dannon got a little worried that they may end up fighting a case in court and being taken for bajillions in damages and legal fees. They had played every scenario out in their minds…A jury full of constipated yogurt eaters, a judge with diarrhea, a bailiff missing work for a colonoscopy… It all seemed like too big of a risk for Dannon. They chose to settle out of court.

The settlement details from dannonsettlement.com:

“Dannon has agreed to create a $35,000,000.00 fund for the settlement. This fund will be used to pay valid claims submitted by Class Members, the costs to notify the Class about this Lawsuit and the settlement, the costs to administer the settlement, class representative incentive awards, and payment of the attorneys representing the Class and related litigation expenses. If the total amount of valid claims submitted exceeds $35 million less the costs, awards and fees set forth above, Dannon has agreed to supplement the fund by an amount necessary to pay all eligible claims, up to an additional $10 million.”

Anyhow, when you go look at more details, you’ll find out that you can file a claim and join the class to receive your part of the settlement that it is utterly ridiculous. If you don’t have a receipt for your yogurt purchase (seriously, who saves them?) you get $15. If you spent more than $15 but less than $30 on yogurt, you must attest to the fact that you did indeed spend that much. If you spent between $30 and $100 you must show proof of purchase to get your money from Dannon.

So it kind of makes you wonder why anyone would get involved with such a silly lawsuit. Was it really worth it for the person having issues pooping that they thought could be solved by yogurt? Of course not. It was ridiculous…Until you read the part about the hearing for the $10,000,000 plus expenses for the lawyers.

I can’t imagine what kind of judge lets these cases go through the court. Can they punish Dannon for stupidly settling for  close to $60,000,000 because someone claimed false advertising? So now they have to add some words to the package and commercials to tell people it isn’t a poop cure-all. Wow. That makes sense.

To learn more about the ridiculous and silly settlement, you can download the pdf here: http://www.dannonsettlement.com/sa.pdf

I ate my yogurt. It tasted good and made my belly full. Just because it didn’t perform miracles for me, doesn’t give me reason to sue.

Now, I do have an idea for another class action lawsuit…

So we’re gonna stay up late and watch Nightmare on Elm Street. Then we’re gonna go buy a whole bunch of Red Bulls. Then we’re gonna try to not fall asleep. Then, when we wake up the next morning, we’re gonna find a silly law firm that needs to make a couple-ten million dollars, and we’re gonna sue Red Bull for our money back and a whole bunch of legal fees. Hurry, run, quick, go to Netflix, add Nightmare on Elm Street to your queue, get some Red Bulls (save your receipt) and we’re gonna have us a class action suit!

Any other brilliant ideas for some class action suits?

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